My Admiration

It was seventeen years ago that my life took a subtle turn: a shift that portended a rough next decade. I can’t point to a single defining event; rather, it was a culmination of a lifetime of small choices and over the top confidence that were to blame. At the time I didn’t see what I had done, nor what was coming. People rarely can imagine problems before they present themselves; I didn’t break that trend.

Once bad things happen, it is difficult to envision a new normal being present; it is easier to brush it off and assume it is a minor blip. That is until it isn’t possible to ignore the truth. I was about half through what I affectionately call my decade of despair before I realized I was in a storm that wasn’t abating but was growing. For the next five years, things only got worse; professional problems persisted, personal crises occurred, and my internal mental anguish grew. I was a mess; and mostly I was alone. My isolation had a lot to do with my desire to keep everything to myself; it also resulted from my dismal attitude towards other people. Turns out when you act abrasively, no one is interested in being in a bunker with you.

It has now been seven years since the world shifted back towards a better existence. The shift was slow; nothing good happened fast. It was more like the negative compounding stopped. As I reflect on what caused my world to improve, I can attribute two things that made a difference: I forgave myself and accepted my failure as my own and not someone else’s fault, and I examined how I wanted to live, for the rest of my life.

There are countless strategies for how to change your attitude and live the life you seek. I am not into self-help books, so I cannot opine on the most popular ones today. What I can say is that I envisioned the traits I wanted to project; to do this, I identified people I admired and the characteristics I thought were noble enough to emulate.

Here are the things I admire and now desire to replicate in my life.

Peeple who seek knowledge, not to reaffirm their position, but to broaden their understanding of the world, hold a special place for me. If someone asks questions, listens, and is eager to hear someone else’s perspective, they are likely successful, contemplative, and wise. You can’t know everything, and it is impossible to understand others until you walk in their shoes. However, a desire to accept the world is bigger than your world, and to know more about what is out there, demonstrates a special trait.

Like seeking more knowledge, I admire people who take the time to read. There is no better way to learn. I found this blessing at a young age. Without it, I am not sure I would have built the view of life I have. Reading has taken me places I could never have imagined and challenged my beliefs. Lifelong readers possess an understanding of the world that those who can’t find the time to challenge their brain miss. I am saddened by those who choose to avoid reading. Often, they say, “I am just not a reader.” When I hear that, I wonder what pushes them to grow. I will always admire those who read, with a special nod to those that read things they don’t agree with or understand.

People who value history have my respect. I am befuddled when I speak with someone who shows little understanding of the past. I am not sure history repeats itself, but it damn sure informs the future. Without looking backward to see what road you traversed and the alternative paths you followed, how can you know where you are and how you got here? Historians provide a service. Not to recast the past, or to fit it into today’s narrative, but to inform us of what happened; the good and the bad. You want to know what our founding fathers would think of today? Read their biographies. You find that much of the propaganda today about our founding fathers is misleading. To be clear, they would find today’s situation appalling.

I am drawn to people who are humble and self-aware. Self-confidence is important, but unabashed ego is counterproductive, and I believe it is a sign of insecurity. Human beings fail; in fact, the most successful winners fail often. I love it when someone shows their willingness to embrace their failures. And when they succeed, acknowledge success wasn’t theirs alone.

Vulnerability is hard, but I admire those who possess the ability to succeed while acknowledging they feel vulnerable. Society seems to think the best leaders are infallible. That perspective is so misguided. Give me a leader who considers what can go wrong more than what can go right, and I will follow them every day. When General Dwight D. Eisenhower launched the invasion on the beaches of Normandy, he prepared two messages to release to the US public: one assumed success, and the other covered mission failure. It is the second message, he never sent, that shows his understanding of what lay ahead and his role as Supreme Allied Commander. It read, “Our landings in the Cherbourg-Havre area have failed to gain a satisfactory foothold, and I have withdrawn the troops. My decision to attack at this time and place was based on the best information available. The troops, the air and the Navy did all that bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt, it is mine alone.” In June 1945, heading home after victory in Europe, he said in his famous Guildhall address in London, “Humility must always be the portion of any man who receives acclaim earned in the blood of his followers and the sacrifices of his friends.”

I admire those who live their lives consistent with their words. Too often people say admirable things but act differently. Proverbs 31:8-9 says, “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” It is admirable when people not only say those words but live them. In a time when religion and politics seemed to have merged in the minds of many, it is heartwarming to see people forget tribal ideology to remain true to their beliefs. I seek to listen to people who are casting aside the tired Christian nationalism movement that is sweeping across our country. I admire the clergy who are preaching to their congregations that the theft of Christianity by a loud minority isn’t consistent with God’s teachings. It isn’t easy for pastors to stand up and scold their parishioners; it is, however, noble.

We should find acclaim for those who lead and serve for the greater good of others and not for their own aggrandizement. It is hard for leaders to have the courage to stand up for what you believe in. Too many people seem unwilling to do that. When a person faces criticism and scorn but remains true to their beliefs, even if you differ from them, we should hold them higher than those who shift faster than the wind. John McCain was a true American hero who stood against policies he didn’t agree with. He wasn’t always right, but you never doubted his motivation. We should have more people in Washington who have values they live by and not goals they aspire to.

I admire people who embrace suffering and pain; both are an integral part of the human experience. They can both appear at any point in your life. To be sure, before our time on earth is done, we will all experience some level of suffering. People who embrace this and show a spirit of joy give me strength and confidence. I am not as young as I used to be, and having experienced many trials and tribulations in my life, I know there will be unpleasant days ahead. How will I handle those? Identifying people who bring joy, despite their challenges, is the example I hope to model. My Aunt Nita turned ninety last week. Her days aren’t always easy. Time has worn her body down. When I visit her, I always think I am there to bring her joy and inspiration. Only to discover it was she who brought happiness into the room. She always has a smile on her face, and despite all her fingers being drawn up by arthritis, she grabs me and hugs me as if she has the strength she had forty years ago. If only all of us could convey strength through pain.

There needs to be a special place for those who perform unexpected acts that set an example for others to follow. In 1796, George Washington was nearing the end of his second term. There was nothing to prevent him from seeking and winning a third term. Nothing but his love for his country. Washington retired and set a precedent. He determined that one person should not control the country. He put his country ahead of any personal agenda. In his farewell letter to the nation in September 1796, he focused on the threats to the Union. His words were well-received by the nation; he had earned the right to be trusted. An excerpt of his letter applies to today’s political mess, it reads, “The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism. But this leads at length to a more formal and permanent despotism. The disorders and miseries which result gradually incline the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual; and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction, more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation on the ruins of public liberty.”

Compassion and empathy are admirable traits. It isn’t easy to maintain a high standard for empathy; there is too much chaos and anger around. However, the world is a more encouraging place when you look for and find people who show the way towards loving others. It is exhausting to watch people fight over things that, when they lie on their deathbed, will not amount to a hill of beans. The energy spent trying to fight and win, when you could try to help others, is maddening. We need more people who are compassionate and empathetic.

I value people who seek solutions, not power and hatred. We all have a choice; we can seek to be a force for good, or we can wallow in a festering mood of hate. People who choose to seek good and see positives in others are to be commended and imitated. More so than ever, I notice people who are inherently good, and I am attracted to them. I also reject those who are playing the “they” game. Ready to say “they” caused this bad thing to happen.

By now you have concluded there isn’t anyone who has all these characteristics, and that is most certainly true. Aspiring to achieve a life that is filled with admirable traits is a noble endeavor; it is worth doing. I don’t pretend to be anywhere near as consistent as those I admire. That isn’t the point. I do, however, find comfort and optimism from people who are out there, in the chaotic state we exist in, living their best lives and providing an example for all of us. They have my admiration. Who has yours?